He Never Said a Mumblin' Word

There’s something.

So something…about looking at the stars.

…as if it’s not because I choose to…but that it commands me.

So often throughout the day….i decide to keep moving because there’s a motor.

..so many.

Everyone’s in this machine.

But tonight. . It stopped.

Or…more like, I was reminded what it’s all for.

And these moments. I always pray for them. And they help me here on earth.

It’s only in vain when it’s for the glory of myself or someone else.

We can’t paint the stars and keep them going….let alone our own bodies…

These toys…these things we tamper and tinker with thinking we really are making and moving.

But then I look up.

Up.

And it reaches in.

So deep.

God’s moving the stars.

My cells.

His work is not in vain. His love for me. Not in vain.

There’s a deep longing. And looking at the stars only reminds me.

God longed for me first.

And then I can’t move anywhere else. But to Him.

it's as if His love commands it.

Sufjan Stevens.

So. Everything.

This concert.

Music. Inspiration. Colors. Elements. Depth. Beauty...trying to come up with words to define all the sporadic and scattered feelings and observations i have from this concert...the words are too surface however hard i seem to try and encapsulate what this night was.

There is, however, this small feeling of regret.

It's like when watching the sun set and wanting so much more from it. I heard my pastor use this analogy...like...wanting to taste it or live inside it. That it's one of the most beautiful things God could grace you to experience on this earth...and yet, the meaning behind Him wanting you to experience it is not the experience itself, but what it gives reference to.

This world can only offer so much and it points to this need to be fulfilled so much more fully than it can do.

This concert left me wanting.

To be in the music...a part of it...

There was even a point where I was in the front, harmonizing while being near enough to hear this unfiltered voice...just vulnerable in what it's been made to be. such an amazing moment of feeling like "i'm in the music, some paradigm of a part of that which has inspired me so often."

But still...this wanting...

I believe God blessed me greatly with this experience in that He is going to be the fulfillment of beauty in the end. Of everything, in the end, and while i'm on this earth...he'll bring me closer and close to understanding His Son and all the beauty, freedom, and grace that's wrapped up in that. But the day when i see his face...that day...there will be nothing left in me wanting...

and the grey beauty that is in the waiting for this day, when i see all of how the previous ones accumulated to the realization of this.

that they were always pale in comparison, but the elements that pointed me to Him were true and there.

oh. how i long to truly breathe.

yes. this concert was that amazing.

ha....oh man.

Somewhere down the road...I became horrible at keeping track of things happening in my life...as in...in some sort of written form. Sometimes I think if it's some sort of thought (like my preceding posts) then I should keep track of it. So I can see the consistencies or not in my thoughts or views.

However. Dag nabbit. There are so many beautiful moments that build up to those kind of thoughts that I don't take note of...and when I think about it...would more than likely (if noted and remembered) eventually then never lead to an explosion of suppressed moments. It would probably happen in some way or another anyway, I guess...all in all...I just regret not journaling and taking note of the memorable moments...because, oddly, I don't remember them.

Yeah.

With that being said. It's never too late. ( and I NEED to tell myself this...otherwise...I just keep not...writing)

Ok. Let's see.

Last weekend we went on a student retreat with the christian students from the school here and our team. We went to this intensely remote town (I have to make sure I'm not leaking too much of the "what kind" and "where" things for safety) but it was basically in the middle of...nowhere. If I had a globe, spun it, placed my finger in this place...I would probably think some of the same things that I did when I was actually there "People live here?". It's basically one of those places that has been in this time capsule...like in the heart of Africa where tribes have lived the same as they always have without the influx of the outside world.

With all that said...it was such an interesting experience, to say the least. To be with native speakers of the language, at this point in my studies only understanding the "He's", "She's", some common verbs and vocabulary it only added to the feelings I had of just not being able to put my finger on this place. I wouldn't say ethereal...because it was actually too real. Sounds lame/weird...but...just trying to process it out.

I should clarify there were power lines in this place...however, they only seemed to be just passing through. So, not as remote as I more than likely make it sound, but....I guess the most remote I had ever been to. Of course...I have to disclaim everything. :)

Anyway. Speaking of the language and living in this country (not a huge aside at all) but it's so interesting to live in a place so completely foreign. For example, as I was saying earlier, the language! Walking around seeing characters and shapes that I can't connect as symbols stored in my memory...not being able to make any connections, no signs...no ABC'S...I feel as if I am 3 or something and am watching Sesame Street for the first time. I see shapes and colors, they evoke emotion (where that's instilled and comes from is quite interesting to think about) and recognizing the human face...or...being fascinated by it as well....it's just so interesting. These thoughts are more than likely just confusing you (whoever you may be) and myself as I keep going, but...It'll get somewhere. Hah...It's just so sensory here. I have to be able to read everything else in order to go about my day. The unsaid things. Such an indirect way of going about, but...I think it lets my imagination escape so much more in public. Usually, I let it release when I read, listen to music, or set aside time (I guess most of the time not intentionally)...but to be able to stand on the bus, listening to a conversation, watching the expressions, and only filling in the blanks as to what I think they may be talking about...feeling so much as though I were the one writing the story. No one's here to stop me from thinking what I think is wrong.

I mean, I'm fully aware of the complete subjectivity I am going by in order to go about my day or just observe this world I'm in...however...no one's there to give me a concrete "we're talking about politics", "my niece turned four today", "this line is always way too long".....everything intertwines for me. Makes me interested in what I assume certain people are/could be talking about. Are those high schoolers talking about the boy in front of them as I would assume, or how they're planning in the future to open a business together and are excited for the possibilities? Are the old women I see always talking about the weather or cooking as I would box them into thinking?

A few weeks ago I was taking pictures out and about and came across a group of old-women. Being a few weeks ago, I know more of the language than I did when I first arrived (to my advantage...and maybe imaginational and subjective disadvantages) and it was refreshing to here them talking. Conversing. I would take some pictures of them and they would comment on the pictures after I would show them. They would laugh, talk about each others faces, say things like "uh! I look so old! My eyes are so droopy!" (at least that's what I gathered with body language included)....yet...when I first say these women....they seemed completely foreign to me. Completely unapproachable. Now...they were turning into me and my friends.

An advantage to knowing some of the language. I can be so critical. I can make people not just people like me. Or, person...I should say.

See, this is why I wish I would've written more then and actually kept track of situations and things first semester as to compare now with how I see things now. However, just that situation shows me probably a lot of my first semester was just like me holding on to making these people more foreign than they actually are....

or....when I went on the retreat this past weekend. Not only language was foreign...but place and even what time it was....as in....100's of years ago.

That's a lot of misunderstanding that could happen there.

However, to remember the moments where I would see someone smile, the kids playing, and just the necessity to eat, sleep, and things of that nature...those things we do have in common...and remembering to think the best of people (or...to remember they're people just like i'm a people :)....)....it helps that much more with connecting on the things that matter instead of all of the outer things that eventually fade away. Time, place, language....all beautiful things and important....but....I'd like to assume that we're all really not that different.

Ha...oh man...if anyone does read this you'll probably think I've very shallow...well...I guess you'd be right...I can't really disclaim that. But...I'm glad God's patient with these shallow thoughts and doesn't keep me in them.

Today....I am going to take some pictures at the campus that I went to 3 years ago when I was here for the summer. It just so amazing to have smells and places bring out emotions and memories. I want to capture these things...but...if I can only visually, maybe I can make some of the other connections later upon looking at them.

Oh dear. I always get a little insecure taking pictures. Or....I wish I could (depending on the context) take them in such a way that several years down the road I'll look at them and know I used the best lighting, shutter speed, and whatever else to appropriately capture this beautiful place as best as I possibly can and could.

I know I will learn more and think "I wish I knew that then"...but...maybe there's also something beautiful in not knowing. Always something I won't know....however, the fact that certain things will be revealed to me furthermore in this life...such a blessing. I am content.

"Maps....they don't love you like I love you." <--another thing on my mind.

"When we read the Bible something reflective happens, just like what goes on in the morning as we stand before the mirror. However, instead of getting a good look at our bodies, we get a glimpse of what is going on inside of us. Left to our own devices, we are lost, searching for our "true selves" in places that could never yield success. But the Bible articulates what is going on inside of us-tells the story of our lives-and ministers to our needs, our guilt, and our alienation."

---

love works such mighty things through pain

in ways i wouldn't know the power of otherwise.

"love suffers long and is kind..." 1 cor:13:4

it's weird how these systems' work.

"ethics is not self-evident"

I was listening to a Ravi Zacharias talk called "Creedal Affirmation in Search of Commitment" which talks about morals and discussing where we get the authority and grounds to follow them. How ethics are not self-evident and that by treating them as if they are they lose their meaning because we aren't accrediting them with any sort of attachment to a rhyme or reason as to why we should follow them. We can say what it is...(ex. "love your neighbor")...but why is it that way? And in what manner is this to be carried out? The proceeding analogy given I think puts it well, "Our moral beliefs will decay if they are cut off from their source, just as a stream will become a stagnant pool if it is no longer fed by its spring." or, without knowing the source of a moral or ethic, we're really just throwing around semantics that can mean anything to anyone and therefore loses it's meaning other than that of meaning possibly anything and therefore, I would say, just cancels itself out in the first place. Why follow creeds like this if we don't know why? For what purpose? To be good? Define good. Who says we have to be? The words don't lose their meaning because we haven't defined what they mean to begin with. However, I see hope when people want to be loving, to be good, to be selfless...but when these words are defined as a million different things I believe they lose their meaning. Because if something means everything...well...what doesn't it mean then? How can we love one another, our neighbor, if everyone defines it as something different? If not defined I believe we will continue to live in our own narcissistic worlds pretending that we weren't put on this earth, on one planet, to learn to live together and to really love each other: whatever that exclusive definition of love may be. In western thought (and even as I've seen too creep into eastern thought living here) I think this ambiguity of definition goes on for fear of naming a black and white in a world that's ever striving to lean on the grey's to get us by. However, I think that when you call something "grey" it's not (it can't be) anything else. Not blue, green, orange....it's grey. So, when you speak of grey, you've actually given it an objective meaning, but with the allusion of it being completely subjective. It can all get really messy and pretty soon you just end up contradicting yourself. You have an opinion. You aren't all inclusive. Even the claim to be excludes those beliefs which are exclusive to yours. The danger in saying one accepts everything is not only living in a contradiction (how then could you accept views that are contrary to each other, or even the view that you just claimed as all inclusive with those that beliefs claim they are exclusive?) but I believe it leaves you in a place of no answers. In that pool cut off from it's source.

I apologize if some of that wasn't so clear. I just kind of poured out what listening to Ravi stirred in my mind and thought "I've only blogged once...I'll just vomit on there". I guess if I could somewhat sum up what I was saying (this is always hard..ha...) it would just be....are you satisfied with a back-boneless moral? can they stand the test of fire? when you look back on the things you cling to, do you see that it's working for you or that you desire more? Because you actually do hold on to morals with a definition that probably goes back to what your parents told you, friends, TV, etc...some sort of doctrine.

And I don't want to leave this post at just that. I believe there is hope. I believe that morals were given to us to show us that we actually will not be able to fulfill the true meanings of them a part from the authority with which they are given. That Jesus Christ was truly the only man that ever has fulfilled these morals and laws to show us that we can be dependent on Him to work His love through us and therefore, loving our neighbors as we are loved by God. We love because we were loved first. We love because we are dependent not on empty words, but the truth and meaning behind them which comes from our authority, God.

I say this because I have found Jesus. (not that he was lost and needed me to, or did I find Him in a gaudy church, at a street revival or something stereotypical of that nature...although one could find Him in those places too, I just find that people label those things in a negative light...I guess I could go on about that...next post?)...but it was in the quiet of my home about 8 years ago that I decided to trust Him with my life and eventually my death. Of course the knowledge of what this means grows within me as God's character is made more evident through the work of His spirit within me, but it wasn't by a huge revelation of everything true on my part with which I decided to follow Christ. It was in the quiet surrender of my heart, it was in a vulnerable place of saying that I don't have it all figured out (still don't) but that I trust that He does. Ever since then, I'm starting to understand more about what things like "love your neighbor" come from and how I am supposed to do that. I've failed, but what beckons me to continue to love is the unending love and forgiveness that I receive from Jesus. How a love like His, that I haven't ever experienced until I knew Christ and am convinced it's something contrary to anything this world offers concerning the matter, calls me to love when all I want to do is hate, run, be apathetic, or just try to forget. When I hear people define love...it always has an exception. The beauty about Christ's love is that I did nothing to earn it and I can do nothing to lose it. ....and amazing how that kind of love....it makes you want to live to love Him.

If any of that is confusing or you would like it to be expounded upon....questions about anything or what it would even mean to know Christ (sometimes I can be ambiguous, but this is something I don't want to be ambiguous about) please ask me any kind of questions you may have concerning...well....anything. I can't guarantee I'll have the answers, but I'll seek His Word my best to see what He would say on the matter. my email is

merlanky@yahoo.com

and, if you've read all of this....thank you :) It can be overwhelming to write a blog....thus why I don't do it often.

and as if this wasn't long enough!....i'm going to post the link to the talk and article that inspired some of this....

Ravi Zacharias link: http://htod.cdncon.com/o2/rzimht/MP3/JT/JT20100329.mp3

and Ravi makes note of an editorial in the Sunday Telegraph....I could only find an excerpt online of it....here ya go....

"In one of Ravi Zacharias' talks, he reads from an editorial in the Sunday Telegraph (I can't for the life of me find it online or find out when it was published) entitled Who cares if Christ is risen?. The author of the editorial provided the following poignant analysis:

What is true at this time in our history is that we are moving into uncharted territory. Since the French revolution, many influential intellectuals have rejected religion. But it is only now that religious ideas underpin general morality. Because these ideas have prevailed for so long, people tend to assume that the morality that goes with them is somehow obvious and common sensical and will continue. "Love thy neighbour as thy self" is widely considered to be a moral imperative that everyone can accept and try to follow without religious faith as if it were a belief that came natural to man. But this is a terrible error. No moral doctrine comes naturally. As the derivation of the word doctrine implies it has to be taught. It can only be taught if enough people understand the theories on which it rests...We have entered a period in which this is no longer so and we are beginning to see the results...With this loss of a truly human morality comes paradoxically a greater emphasis on the importance of human gratification. As human beings no longer believe that have a unique standing in the order of creation they turn inwards. The great modern crime is to prevent people do what they want to do...The consequence of this is that what was once called selfishness is now considered fulfillment. The word love is used just as much as it ever was but it means something else. For a Christian the measure of love is what one is willing to give up for it. For the post-Christian love is the most exciting state of the ego. The social consequences are...an extreme restlessness that makes contentment almost as outdated a term as crinoline...Religion has an extraordinary and unique capacity to keep sublime concepts of beauty and truth and the principles of conduct that derive from them in the minds of ordinary people. Our moral beliefs will decay if they are cut off from their source, just as a stream will become a stagnant pool if it is no longer fed by its spring. This is what is happening in the West today. The injunction to "love they neighbour" is not a statement of the obvious. It is a commandment and one that is only makes sense because it flows from the first "love thy God". We must obey it because it is true and we know that it is true because of the event that Easter commemorates." "

There it is.

...this post is so long...definitely makes up for not ever posting...for like....however many years I've had this account.

cheers :)

What have I done.